Easter Sunday

(because I don't have a sense of time when I'm not at school)


Easter Sunday is supposedly the day that Jesus rose from the dead. After being cooped up in a tomb for a while, he got bored and walked away. One moment, he was just lying there - dead; then he just vanished in thin air. This proves that Jesus Christ was a ninja; no wonder he could walk on water. Wait, if Jesus was a ninja, then that means he must have had some Japanese blood coursing through his veins... I knew it, there was no immaculate conception. Some ninja must have been in the Middle East doing ninja stuff; met Mary; impressed her with a couple of tricks; then ---

For the sake of not getting run over by the pope mobile, I'm gonna stop the Jesus-is-a-ninja conspiracy theory. Let's go back to the topic: ninjas, I mean Easter Sunday. Jesus Christ, after spending less than 3 days (yeah, I did the math; it was even less than 2) in a tomb, said "fuck it, I'm bored" and decided to walk away. This proves that Jesus also had ADD; that's why he traveled from town to town. He gets bored so easily that even death bored him. And when he walked away from his tomb, Easter Sunday was born.

The end...

Not really, I haven't really talked about Easter Sunday yet. I don't know how Jesus' friends reacted or how they felt when they saw Jesus was alive. I'm sure they were all happy and high-fiving each other, but some of them must have been a little pissed. They spent all that time, money and effort building the tomb then Jesus shuns it after spending about two days in it; what a douche. However, those feelings were replaced by sadness again because Jesus got bored and decided to go to heaven. Let's jump to another paragraph before the topic gets out of hand again.

Jesus and friends, after the euphoria caused by his return, probably sat down and broke bread. And in between the questions about being dead and afterlife were disco breaks. Nothing fancy; unlike today. Today, Easter Sunday is celebrated differently and its true message (ninja-hood) is lost amongst bunnies and eggs. Bunnies took the spotlight from Jesus Christ; and finding eggs replaced the disco breaks (I sense the involvement of the gay community). Instead of Jesus being the poster boy for Easter, they chose a bunny to represent one of the biggest disappearing acts of history; one of the greatest ninjas of all time was bumped off by something that's cute and eats carrots. Jesus was probably cute too and would've eaten a carrot if he saw one, but bunnies don't exactly embody the spirit of ninja-hood. If they had chosen a dinosaur or a cockroach, I would understand, but bunnies...

Enough about bunnies, now let's talk about eggs; yeah, still far from Easter. The disco breaks Jesus and his pals used to do aren't performed anymore; what people do now to celebrate Jesus' ninja trick is to look for eggs. Let's pause for a while... this topic could go in two directions. One would be the disgusting (but also irrational) path where I say that people are actually looking for Jesus' eggs. The other of course is to blame someone completely innocent; in this case, the gay community. Both paths could lead to disaster so let's stop (which actually means that I'm getting lazy already).

What happened to Easter Sunday? And where is Jesus now?