Food

I'm hungry.

You know the sound your stomach makes, the one that sounds like an offbeat tribal music. That's what my stomach has been saying to me, over and over again for the past few days. If it wasn't for the sharp pain, I might have enjoyed it. It certainly beats listening to silence. 

Well, not silence in the technical sense, wherein the only sound you hear is the beating of your own heart. Something like the silence after the atomic bomb decimated Nagasaki. Or a better example would be, the silence after a small rural village gets burned, its people brutally massacred by a greedy warlord. The vibrant noise of the people replaced with the rhythmic buzzing of thousands of flies.

That kind of silence. 

The peace that comes after complete destruction and carnage.

Nobody knows how or where it started. Before all this, when the crisis was just starting, everybody had their own theories. Some said it was something foreign. Brought by this junkie who died in the middle of the flight. Some thought it was a terrorist attack. A biological weapon released in the city. Others speculated it was some kind of mutated virus. While others proclaimed it was judgment from God.

Whatever it was, no one got the chance to prove anyone wrong.

Because in a matter of hours, everyone was running for their lives. The roads were blocked by heavy traffic. Every person who had a car, or managed to steal any type of vehicle, was trying to get out of the city. In just a few hours, the city was united in celebrating the festival of survival.

There were people running in all directions. Some to get away. Some to catch up with others. All the stores were being looted. You could hear glass breaking left and right. A fiery explosion here and there. Every car was honking its horn. Important people had their sirens on, thinking the others would just let them through. And the screams. Anyone who got caught always lets out this high pitched shriek. A last attempt to affirm their life. Then silence.

In the end, no one survived. The few who managed to get out of the city thought they were safe. But the epidemic was everywhere. Any place occupied by people was engulfed in chaos. Wherever man made their mark, death soon followed.

I've been walking for several days now. Trying to find food or any sign of life. But everything I find is either burned or being decomposed by flies and maggots. I see body parts everywhere. Anywhere I look, I see human jigsaw pieces. Like right now. I see something which I think is a woman's leg crushed under a taxi. I assume it's a woman's because I see a tattoo of a butterfly. Well, half a butterfly. On the windshield of the taxi, a torso. Again, I'm guessing it belonged to a woman. I'm assuming the boob that's lying a few inches from my feet was attached to that torso.

Fingers. Sometimes with rings. An arm. A forearm. A squished eyeball. Intestines. A whole leg. Half a leg. And don't forget about the severed human heads. In different types of fashion. A bald head without a nose. A semi charred brunette with only one eye. There's even a wrinkly old head which seemed to be peacefully asleep.

And the blood. There's dried blood everywhere. The city looks like it was painted by some goth teenager. Black, red, and grey. Or if Frank Miller designed the universe.

This city is finished.

I'm walking towards this high class subdivision. I've seen several subdivisions while I was scrounging the city for food. But I never went in any of them. This subdivision however is another case. I can almost feel a sense of hope.  

No, not feel. It's like I can smell it. 

I might be going insane here. I'm perceiving hope as a scent. On the other hand, I haven't eaten anything for the past few days. It might just be starvation kicking in.

I muster what's left of my strength. I begin to quicken my pace. Which isn't really saying much since I'm almost dragging my legs just to move forward. I need to hurry up because darkness is starting to envelop my surroundings. And it's really difficult to search for food in the dark.  

Then I trip over something. I can't see what it is but I can already guess. Judging by its scent and the flies buzzing around me, it must be another body part. I try getting up but I'm nearly out of strength. I face the sky, lying on cold, sticky concrete. Watching the stars wink at me. I'm now ready to join them. I start to think about my life. Flashes of memories zoom in and out of my head. Then I begin to close my eyes. Before I completely shut the world, I notice something on my left. It looks like a really big star. That's really close by. And one that doesn't twinkle. I turn my head and suddenly, I am invigorated by its radiance.

It's a light bulb!

I stand up. After trying for several minutes. My mind is already growing crazy with anticipation. The tribal music of my stomach quickens its tempo, doubling its volume. It's like I'm caught in a trance. All thoughts erased. It's just me and food. As I walk towards the source of light, I see three shadows moving around the house. 

Yes. It's confirmed.

Finally. 

Food.   

Pop Songs

Tick tick on the clock

One, two, three, four; uno, dos, tres, quatro...

It's friday, friday; gotta get down on friday

And I got my hands up, they're playing my song

Boom, badoom, boom bass; yeah that's that super bass

Yeah! I've got the moves like jagger

And I'm sexy and I know it

Because that's how it's supposed to be; living young and wild and free

Even though it's not about the money, money, money

I could really use a wish right now

Because I still want to be a billionaire

And fly like a G6

So I can have the time of my life

As I whip my hair back and forth

Hey soul sister

Baby, baby, baby oh

There's nobody, nobody but you

When the DJ got us fallin' in love

And we danced the night away

Together at the top; like a pyramid

I know you belong with me

Cause you are the only exception

And I don't want to walk this earth, if I gotta do it solo

I'll never be the same if we ever meet again

Oh na na, what's my name?

But I know I have never felt like a plastic bag.

*poker face*

Ang Alamat ng Bato: Ang Paghihiganti ng Santo Papa

Warning: ang susunod na kwento na iyong mababasa ay hindi  pang freshman at angkop lamang sa mga may gulang 18 taon pataas. Huwag mo na ring basahin kung nababastusan ka sa mga salitang tamod, jakol, suso, at politika. Isarado mo na lang ang facebook at yung porno na kanina mo pa hinihintay matapos; magbasa ka ng dyaryo at tingnan kung may bobong mamamahayag na isinulat ang pangalan ng nanalo sa lotto. I text mo ako (09064493426) at magkita tayo sa ilalim ng blue bridge sa Katipunan; huwag mong kalimutang magdala ng baril at isang piso. Hindi ako makakapagreply sa yo dahil wala akong load.


Sindi ng yosi.


Noong unang panahon, mga apatnapung taon ang nakakalipas... yata. Hindi ako sigurado kung kailan ito nangyari dahil hindi rin naman ako sigurado kung nangyari nga ito. Pero malay mo, maaari rin namang nangyari nga ito; kung may unang panahon nga. May isang napakakisig na binatang batak na batak ang masel dahil sa pag inom ng Revicon. Tawagin na lang natin siya sa pangalang Reginald Candelaria; iba talaga ang pangalan na nasa isip ko ngunit baka mabasa niya ito, dahil meron din pala siyang facebook at friend ko pa pala, at maisipang gumawa ng alamat tungkol sa akin na mas masagwa pa kaysa dito. Nakatayo siya sa gilid ng Sunken Garden sa UP at pinagmamasdan ang mga taong dumaraan. Sigurado akong hindi ito nangyari sa Zen Garden dahil hindi naman daw talaga Zen Garden ang tawag dito. Ang mga lugar lang na may buhangin ang may karapatang kunin ang apelyidong Zen. Sayang, nawala na ang Meron Pond at pinalitan ng sementong fountain na bumubula ang tubig. Kung sabon nga ang sanhi nito, wala nang makakaalam dahil nasa lumang library na ang rebulto ni St. Thomas Moore.


Hithit.


Itinaas ni Reginald ang kanan niyang kamay, hindi para kumaway sa kung sino mang tao na nakilala niya kundi para siya ulit ang pagtuunan ng pansin ng istoryang ito. Mabaho ang kili kili niya dahil sa putok, pero ayos lang iyon dahil siya naman ang bida dito. Ibinaba niya ang kanyang kamay dahil may isang dalagang napadaan at nasuka nang maamoy ang anghit niya. Tiningnan niya nang masama ang dalaga hanggang makarating ito sa tawiran. Huminto yung dalaga nang mapansing may mga sasakyan na dumadaloy sa kalsada. Tumawid lamang siya nang wala nang sasakyan sa kalsada. Buti pa yung dalaga, marunong tumawid nang tama; di tulad ng isang grupo na nakita ko kanina habang naglalakad papunta sa sakayan ng jeep. Basta basta na lang silang tumawid kahit na naka go na ang mga sasakyan na nasa harapan namin. At nagtataka pa rin tayo kung bakit lugmok pa rin sa kahirapan ang Pilipinas. Buti sana kung nasa Ortigas sila kung saan tao ang hari ng kalsada at hindi mga smoke belchers. Sa di kalayuan ay may overpass na punung puno ng mga bangketa na nagtitinda ng kung anu anong bagay. Kaliwa't kanan din ang mga bugaw na nagbebenta ng laman. Hindi mo naman sila masisi nang todo dahil hindi sana nila ito gagawin kung hindi lang pinabayaan ng gobyerno ang sektor na kinabibilangan nila. Ang hirap maghanap ng nag iisang tao na maaaring sisihin at papanagutin sa lahat ng kabulukang nangyayari ngayon. Sisihin na lang natin kung sino man ang nakikita natin sa salamin tuwing umaga. Magpasalamat ka sa kung sino mang diyos na iyong sinasamba kung si Britney Spears ang nakita mo sa salamin... pwera lang kung ikaw nga si Britney Spears.


Buga.


Napalingon si Reginald nang may mapansing nagjo jogging na may malaking suso. Pati ako ay napalingon ngunit napagtanto ko na wala pala ako sa UP. It's too late for isaw you know. Sumikip ang pantalon niya at hindi niya napigilang kumambyo. Tinititigan niya nang mabuti ang dalaga habang nagjo jogging ito. Biglang may isang lalaki ang humarang sa harap niya, nakatitig din ito sa dalaga at napansin niyang kumakambyo din ito. Sumigaw si Reginald, "Hoy! Putang ina! Tumabi ka nga! Baka gusto mong matulad sa South Korea!" Gusto kong ihirit na wala akong pakialam kung ano man ang mangyari sa South Korea at sana nga matalo sila kung magka giyera nga ang dalawa para naman mawala na ang mga Kpop bands. Ngunit hindi nga pala ako yung lalaki at wala ako sa UP; at kung nandun man ako eh hindi ako tatambay sa Sunken Garden dahil walang isawan dun. Hinarap ng lalaki si Reginald at nakapamewang nitong sinabi, "Hoy! Putang ama ka rin! Unang una sa lahat, kung maglaban man ang North at South Korea, mananalo ang South Korea dahil may fashion power sila. At pangalawa, hindi ako aalis sa pwesto ko dahil kitang kita ko mula dito yung mga lalaking naglalaro ng football na walang tshirt. Oo, football tawag dun." Hindi pa natatapos magsalita ang lalaki, oo lalaki pa rin siya dahil hindi pa naman niya pinapatapyas ang titi niya, ay naglakad na si Reginald palayo, papunta sa gitna ng Sunken Garden.


Tingin sa malayo.


Narating ni Reginald ang gitna ng Sunken Garden at nag Indian sit siya. Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa dalagang may malaking suso na nagjo jogging. Bumagal ang oras at ang kilos ng mga tao sa paligid niya, parang yung nangyari sa Click. Ang Click ay movie kung saan may isang ama na nakakuha ng isang universal remote control na kayang kontrolin ang mundo niya. Pinagbibidahan ito ni Adam Sandler na siya ring bida sa 50 First Dates, yung ginaya ng My Amnesia Girl. Sa pagkakaalam ko, gagayahin din nila ang The Matrix Trilogy kung saan si Pedro Penduko si Neo habang si Panday naman si Trinity. Shake, Rattle, and Roll daw ang magiging pamagat nito.


Taktak ng upos.


Ipinasok ni Reginald ang kamay niya sa kanyang bulsa at... kumuha ng panyo. Ginawa niya ito dahil napapansin na niya na kanina pa palipat lipat ang pinagtutuunan ng pansin ng kwentong ito. Isinuot pa naman niya ang paborito niyang brief dahil nalaman niyang magiging bida siya sa isang kwento. Isa pang beses na mawala sa kanya ang pokus ay sasayawin na niya ang Thriller sa gitna ng Sunken Garden. Matapos halungkatin ang bulsa at makuha ang panyo at pinunasan niya ang kanyang... mukha na pawisan dahil sa... init ng araw. "Ang init naman ngayon!" sigaw niya habang nakatingin sa araw, "tapos mamayang hapon bigla na lang uulan. Ang labo talaga ng PAG-ASA!" Ibinalik niya ang pansin sa dalaga na tuloy pa rin sa pagtakbo. BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING!


Hinga nang malalim.


"Bata, dun ka nga maglaro ng bola," sabi ni Reginald sa isang bata na abalang abala sa pagpapatalbog ng bola. Tumingin lang sa kanya ang bata at inilabas ang dila. BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! Napabuntung hininga na lang si Reginald at napagdesisyunan na kausapin na lang ang babaeng tuloy pa rin sa pagtakbo. Palapit na si Reginald sa babae nang maalala niya na wala pala siyang dalang condom. Pero bakit nga naman siya magdadala ng condom, eh isa siyang debotong Katoliko. Kaliwa't kanan ang batikos na tinatamo ng Santo Papa dahil sa pagsuporta niya sa paggamit ng condom; pero para lamang mabawasan ang mga nagkakaroon ng STD at hindi para gawing contraception. May ibang tao siguradong nag iisip na maaaring gumamit ang Santo Papa ng condo bago nito namana ang holy throne ng Vatican. Tama, gumamit ang nga ang Santo Papa ng condom. Ngunit hindi dahil nakipag talik siya kundi dahil nag swimming siya isang araw at nakalimutan niyang magdala ng waterproof bag para sa kanyang iphone. Gumamit siya ng condom para maprotektahan ang kanyang iphone; at hindi nga nabasa ng tubig dagat ang kanyang iphone. Pero nasira pa rin ito dahil nabasa ng lubricant ang kanyang iphone. True story.


Hithit. Buga. Taktak. Hithit. Hinga nang malalim. Tingin sa malayo.


Sinayaw ni Reginald ang Thriller. At nag moonwalk siya habang palapit sa babae. Kung may moonwalk nga sa Thriller, bahala na; pareho namang kay Michael Jordan galing yun. Nalapitan na niya ang babae at kakausapin na niya sana ito nang bigla na lang tumawid yung babae. Nasapul ito ng jeep at nakaladkad hanggang sa dormitoryo ng mga freshmen. Ayan kasi, hindi tumatawid nang tama. Uy! Malapit lang dun yung isawan ni Mang Larry! Nalungkot si Reginald at napag desisyunan na umuwi na lamang. Nagmo moonwalk pa rin siya habang papunta sa sakayan ng jeep.


Buga.


Diretso sa Zen Room si Reginald pagdating niya sa kanilang bahay. Sobrang lungkot niya habang inaalala ang mga nangyari noong hapong iyon. Nagsimulang umulan. Pinalo niya ang kanyang unggoy at pinaputukan ang buhangin na nasa paligid niya. Nabuntis ang mga buhangin at nanganak ito ng bato.


Taktak.

Why the Church is Against the RH Bill

(A statement from a retard who's not even affiliated  with the church)


The Bible.

That should be the end but just for the heck of it, let's dig a little deeper and hopefully, get a result that is illogical and unreasonable... hey, that's just like every statement that came from the church. Alright! We're on the right track here. Ok, let's start.

The bible is the walkthrough of the Catholic Church. It contains general rules on how to live, cheatcodes, and tips on how to molest young boys without getting caught... wait, I think I'm reading the wrong bible. But the bible for the Catholic Church is much more than that; for them, the bible contains the secret to an everlasting, happy life. Plus, add the fact that the words written on it were inspired by an all-knowing, all-powerful but probably fictional entity; and from a guy who's so manly, he can sport an abs that looks like a giant boner.

So it's no wonder the Catholic Church stands by every word the bible says... most of it anyway. They have the tendency to overlook, or in the case of the RH Bill, fixate on certain details, whenever the situation demands it. But let's stop talking about the bible because no matter what contrary evidence we present, as long as the bible says something about it, then the Catholic Church would surely stand with the bible. No questions asked.

Let's focus instead on the Catholic Church itself. This way, I could make slanderous statements without angering the dude upstairs, or the dick-abs sporting man. I mean, what's the worst thing that the church could do to me? Excommunicate me? Run me over with the pope mobile? Good luck with that.

So now, here is the main point of this statement. The Catholic Church is against the RH Bill because they want the Philippines to be overpopulated. Now why would I say such a malicious statement, aside from the fact that I have nothing better to do. Because a very huge population would be very beneficial to the Catholic Church... oooooh, I smell a conspiracy. Right now, despite the high poverty rate, that church remains insignificant, save for a handful of people. If there are more people in the country, poverty rate would skyrocket, and those people would look for a temporary sanctuary where they could get even just a little hope. And where would they find it? The Catholic Church. The church would have more souls to save, and they would be significant again to society. But the RH Bill is standing on they way of the resurrection of the church. That's why they're doing everything to stop this evil bill that has the potential to stop their grand scheme.

Plus, more people means more young boys to molest. *ba-du-bum-ching!*

>:)

Future Patrick (I hope you send me a freakin trinket from the future you bastard)

(yearbook write-up)

Dude, by the time you're reading this, I'll be long gone... and graduation has already passed. Don't be discouraged though if you haven't graduated. But I'm not interested in talking to you. I want to talk to the man that we've become, the man who has a career (run naked if you still don't have a job) and probably a family of his own. Future Patrick, wherever you are right now, I salute you. You've gone through the things that life threw at you (and survived 2012).

Whoever you are right now, I'm sure you've become that person because you followed your heart. However, I want you to remember things about who you were, in case you forgot. Remember that you were amused by the simplest of things, like a dog running in the campus or a bird fighting a praying mantis. Remember that you went through different styles of hair; if you're sporting an afro or dreads right now, good job. I hope that you still have an alright taste in music; although pop-punk doesn't suit you anymore dude. I'm sure by now, you've grown out of your rebellious phase; if not, that's probably my fault. Don't forget about your dreams and your bucket list. If you ever have the chance, do business on the pope's toilet seat. Before you die, change all your money to the lowest denomination possible, put it in a treasure chest, bury it, then let your children find it.

Never forgot about your family and friends; and the awesome memories you've shared with them.

Lastly, I hope you're not a politician. Seriously.


P.S. Send me a 3210

Easter Sunday

(because I don't have a sense of time when I'm not at school)


Easter Sunday is supposedly the day that Jesus rose from the dead. After being cooped up in a tomb for a while, he got bored and walked away. One moment, he was just lying there - dead; then he just vanished in thin air. This proves that Jesus Christ was a ninja; no wonder he could walk on water. Wait, if Jesus was a ninja, then that means he must have had some Japanese blood coursing through his veins... I knew it, there was no immaculate conception. Some ninja must have been in the Middle East doing ninja stuff; met Mary; impressed her with a couple of tricks; then ---

For the sake of not getting run over by the pope mobile, I'm gonna stop the Jesus-is-a-ninja conspiracy theory. Let's go back to the topic: ninjas, I mean Easter Sunday. Jesus Christ, after spending less than 3 days (yeah, I did the math; it was even less than 2) in a tomb, said "fuck it, I'm bored" and decided to walk away. This proves that Jesus also had ADD; that's why he traveled from town to town. He gets bored so easily that even death bored him. And when he walked away from his tomb, Easter Sunday was born.

The end...

Not really, I haven't really talked about Easter Sunday yet. I don't know how Jesus' friends reacted or how they felt when they saw Jesus was alive. I'm sure they were all happy and high-fiving each other, but some of them must have been a little pissed. They spent all that time, money and effort building the tomb then Jesus shuns it after spending about two days in it; what a douche. However, those feelings were replaced by sadness again because Jesus got bored and decided to go to heaven. Let's jump to another paragraph before the topic gets out of hand again.

Jesus and friends, after the euphoria caused by his return, probably sat down and broke bread. And in between the questions about being dead and afterlife were disco breaks. Nothing fancy; unlike today. Today, Easter Sunday is celebrated differently and its true message (ninja-hood) is lost amongst bunnies and eggs. Bunnies took the spotlight from Jesus Christ; and finding eggs replaced the disco breaks (I sense the involvement of the gay community). Instead of Jesus being the poster boy for Easter, they chose a bunny to represent one of the biggest disappearing acts of history; one of the greatest ninjas of all time was bumped off by something that's cute and eats carrots. Jesus was probably cute too and would've eaten a carrot if he saw one, but bunnies don't exactly embody the spirit of ninja-hood. If they had chosen a dinosaur or a cockroach, I would understand, but bunnies...

Enough about bunnies, now let's talk about eggs; yeah, still far from Easter. The disco breaks Jesus and his pals used to do aren't performed anymore; what people do now to celebrate Jesus' ninja trick is to look for eggs. Let's pause for a while... this topic could go in two directions. One would be the disgusting (but also irrational) path where I say that people are actually looking for Jesus' eggs. The other of course is to blame someone completely innocent; in this case, the gay community. Both paths could lead to disaster so let's stop (which actually means that I'm getting lazy already).

What happened to Easter Sunday? And where is Jesus now?

Oras Na Naman Para Umupo Sa Trono

Dumating na naman ang oras upang magpalit ng pinuno ang kaharian ng Poso Negro. Napakarami ng gustong maghari; sino ba naman ang ayaw tingalain at maging mas mataas sa kanilang kapwa (nandyan na rin ang kayamanan na kasama sa pagiging isang pinuno). Matapos ang napakahabang proseso ng dakdakan, bayaran, siraan, pagsasanib-pwersa, pag-aaway, at madami pang iba't ibang kalokohan ay napagdesisyunan na ibigay ang pagkakataong mamuno sa pitong indibidwal; mayroon pa ring ibang indibidwal na nagnanais na maging pinuno ngunit alam naman natin na panggulo lamang sila kaya walang saysay na pagtuunan pa sila ng pansin. Sayangin na lang natin ang ating oras sa pagkilala sa pitong kandidato. Magsimula tayo kay Houdini; nais niyang mamuno ngunit bigla namang mawawala na parang bula tuwing may darating na krisis. Si McArthur naman, nandyan nga - kapag tapos na ang krisis. Si Bugret naman yung nakikita mong punung-puno ng palamuti sa katawan. Ngunit hanggang porma lang yan, wala siyang paninindigan; malambot.

Pahinga muna, napakahirap ilabas ng pitong kandidato sa publiko. Hindi lang sa pinapabigat nila ang hangin sa kapaligiran, masakit pa ang paglabas nila sa... bulsa. Magkamustahan na lang muna tayo. May napili ka na ba? Kung wala pa, eto pa; mayroon pang apat na kandidato. Kaya pigilian mo na ang iyong hininga dahil parating na sila.

Heto si Ligapot; wala talaga siyang matibay na paniniwala. Kumakampi at sumasang-ayon lang siya sa opinyon ng iba; kung kani-kanino kumakapit. Kaya napakadaling manipulahin. Ngunit kung gusto mo ng malakas ang paninindigan, nandyan si Tubol. Ngunit ang kanyang paninindigan ay para lamang sa sariling pakinabang; na kadalasan ay nagdudulot lang ng kahirapan.

Kaya pa? Dalawa na lang. Kaunting tiis na lang at makikilala mo na silang lahat.

Si Burabos naman, halos katulad lang ni Ligapot; wala ring matibay na paniniwala. Nagkakaiba lang sila sa paraan ng pagpapakita sa publiko. Hindi masyadong sugapa sa pansin si Ligapot; pero si Burabos, parati na lang explosibo ang pagharap niya sa publiko. At yung maingay na naririning mo ngayon ay si UST. Puro kayabangan lang ang alam niya; at kadalasan, sa maling lugar niya inilalabas ang kayabangan niya.

Ayan, nakilala mo na silang lahat. Maaari ka munang panandaliang bumuntong-hininga. Ngunit hindi dyan nagtatapos ang lahat. Kailangan mo pang tumayo at magdesisyon: umalis na lang at hayaan ang isa sa kanila ang maging pinuno, o maaari mo rin namang linisin ang sistema, gamitin ang kamay at i-flush ang inidoro.






(Wala akong pinapatamaang kandidato. Nagkataon lang talaga na pitong klase ng tae ang alam ko. Kung may alam ka pang iba, ituro mo naman sa akin.)