The Voice Of God: Auto Tune

The auto tune is one heck of a device that grants a gashitload of powers to anyone who wields it. What’s even more awesome (or alarming) is that anyone can obtain and use it. But as always, as our very emo neighbor Spiderman’s uncle puts it, “with great power comes great responsibility.” I’m not going to discuss the moral implications of using this device; that would be really boring, plus I would have to criticize a magnitude of musicians (just listing them would take years). What I’m going to do instead is to suggest ways on how to use this device responsibly.

Let’s discuss music so it’s out of the way already. In my opinion, the only musicians who should be allowed to use auto tunes are metal bands. Yep, you’ve heard it right. Only metal bands should be allowed to use auto tunes. Other musicians use auto tunes because they can’t sing for shit. But imagine the sound of growl in auto tune. That would really rock – Jetson’s style.

Next up is Stephen Hawking. He’s the guy in a wheelchair. Not ringing any bells? He’s the guy who has to type whatever he has to say then his voice would come out robotic. Now I know we’re not supposed to make fun of people with handicaps (except for GMA’s case, she’s a fucking midget with a malevolent mole; oh wait, I keep on forgetting she’s a garden gnome, and that’s not a disability at all), but imagine his robotic voice in auto tune. Futuristic voice times two! Now that’s some really high tech shit.

The man of the blog: Alan Rickman. He’s the voice of God in Dogma (if you haven’t watched it yet, watch it now – twice) or the antagonist in Sweeney Todd. And he’s also Snape. Imagine having a voice so awesome, you were chosen to play as the voice of God. Now put that voice in auto tune (but not his role in Sweeney Todd, that would make the movie a little comedic). God’s voice alone is so powerful; it would make your head explode just by hearing it. Then add the power of auto tune. Holy shit, I can’t even comprehend the power of that voice.

How about a priest giving a homily? Attendance in churches has been in a steady decline (that would change though in 2012, gullible crammers would surely flock churches). But I think I’ve found a solution to their problem; a way to increase their flock. Although a slight problem might occur by following my advice, the church might lose some of their regular customers. But hey, if their regular customer’s faith is really genuine and strong, I’m sure they won’t mind my proposition. And the solution I’m talking about is giving priests auto tunes to use for their homily. A lot of teenagers today have crappy tastes in music. The church should exploit this sad fact.

Last one; now this would be a scary situation but also kind of intriguing. What if everyone uses auto tune? We don’t have to wait for 2012 for the end of the world; this would trigger the rapture.